Being a Control Freak is Increasing Your Anxiety!
How control can exacerbate anxiety—and how anxiety can strengthen the need for control, creating a vicious cycle.
Have you ever felt overwhelmed by anxiety and thought, If I can just control the circumstances surrounding this, I can finally let go of my worry? The need for control is a complex phenomenon. There are things within our control and focusing on these can be a powerful tool for managing anxiety and maintaining well-being. However, when anxiety drives us, we often grasp for control in areas where it’s not possible, leading to even more stress.
The Wrong Kind of Control
There are aspects of our lives we can control and others that we cannot. For example, the weather is beyond our influence, but what shirt we wear today is entirely within our control. The complexity arises when we think about areas where we can exert some influence, but not full control—such as the behavior of others, our work environment, relationships, or even our health.
The need to control these elements often stems from the belief that, without control, we won’t be okay. If we leave things to chance or acknowledge our lack of control, it feels as though everything might unravel. This anxiety-driven perspective can often arise from past experiences where you’ve felt helpless or witnessed worst-case scenarios unfold. Anxiety may lead you to develop rigid expectations and an inability to be flexible, fearing the consequences of not having a plan for everything.
Take, for instance, a relationship where you feel your partner is not fully invested. You might find yourself attempting to control their actions to feel secure in the relationship. Maybe you haven’t heard from them in a couple of days, and rather than waiting to see if there’s a pattern to their communication, you feel compelled to reach out, asking questions or initiating plans to prompt a response. While you’re trying to influence their behavior, you don’t have control over their emotions, feelings, or how they communicate. As a result, this pursuit of control often heightens anxiety instead of easing it. When the cycle repeats—if they don’t respond again—you might find yourself spiraling, feeling even more out of control.
Control and Self-Esteem
A sense of control is linked to higher self-esteem. People with a strong internal locus of control believe their actions shape the events in their lives, while those with a more external locus of control attribute life’s events to outside circumstances. But does that mean you have to choose between high anxiety and high self-esteem? Not necessarily.
Returning to the earlier example of the partner who hasn’t responded, someone with a strong internal locus of control might zoom out and see the bigger picture: I’m in a relationship with someone whose communication style doesn’t meet my needs for security and connection. Perhaps it’s time for me to evaluate how they communicate and whether my needs are being met. This shift in perspective allows them to relinquish control over day-to-day texting habits and instead focus on addressing the root issue—ultimately helping to reduce anxiety and bolster self-esteem.
On the other hand, someone with an external locus of control might frame it as: I’m unhappy in this relationship, and it’s unlucky for me that my partner communicates in this way. This perspective doesn’t offer much opportunity for action and often results in prolonged anxiety. By taking control over what is within your power, you can work towards a healthier relationship dynamic, no matter the outcome.
Ways to Let Go of Control and Ease Anxiety
If you find yourself clinging to control when feeling anxious—or if the pursuit of control is only fueling your anxiety—here are a few strategies that may help you regain balance.
Identify What You Can Control
Take a step back and assess whether your anxiety stems from trying to control things outside your power. Create a "circle of control," or simply reflect on what’s within your control and what isn’t. This clarity can help you take a healthier approach to managing your anxiety.
2. Practice Mindfulness
Focus on the present moment rather than fixating on the trigger of your anxiety. For example, if your partner hasn’t texted you back, work on shifting your attention to something in the present. Go for a walk, observe your surroundings, focus on your breath, or engage in a conversation with a friend. This practice helps ground you in the present and ease anxiety.
3. Acceptance
While easier said than done, accepting the current situation for what it is can help reduce the urge to control what you cannot. By embracing the reality of the situation, you open yourself up to acknowledging your emotions and identifying what is within your control. Acceptance helps foster an internal locus of control, empowering you to take meaningful action and alleviate anxiety.
If you’re in Colorado and feel that the need for control is exacerbating your anxiety or affecting your self-esteem or relationships, feel free to reach out for a free consultation!